Research has shown that January is the month when lots of people feel at their loneliest, and the past couple of years have certainly been harder than most for many. Today, we have a guest post from Victoria, a member of The Motherkind Café community, about her experience of isolation when she was pregnant last year. Many thanks to her for sharing her experiences and her writing with us.
My son Oscar was born in May 2021: he has just turned eight months and my older son Ralph has just turned four. I am thankful that we weren’t in full lockdown during or after my pregnancy, as I’ve been able to enjoy more social support and freedoms than many others have. Also, as a second-time mum, I was lucky to have an existing network of amazing people and knowledge of services available. There were also some benefits to being pregnant during the pandemic – working from home on the sofa, slow mornings when I felt sick, and not having to reveal our news straight away. However, I did find other parts difficult and this time around has been completely different. There was so much going on it’s difficult to disentangle exactly what was due to COVID and what was due to other factors – it was probably a big messy melting pot.
I had a wonderful first pregnancy and maternity leave; it really was the best time. Until my eldest was about 18 months old, I found it relatively easy (although I’m sure I’m blocking out the hard bits!), but from two onwards and when COVID hit, I started to struggle. Trying to manage a toddler/stubborn person rather than a baby alongside returning to work and then COVID, I felt like I was always cross and exasperated and then felt guilty for feeling that way, swinging between feeling grateful and feeling sorry for myself. I wasn’t coping well and I also had a feeling that the second time around would be different (harder), so we delayed a second child. But I soon realised I was never going to feel ready and that the age gap was only getting bigger (and me older and wearier!), so we just went for it.
Straight away, my pregnancy was more difficult: I felt sick, exhausted, and completely intolerant of any irritation (which made a toddler difficult!). Without the excited fuss of others around you – no questions from strangers in the street, no baby shower, no regular face-to-face appointments, no casual catch-ups with friends – you’re just at home with your intense emotions and exhausted self. I found I was internalising all my thoughts and feelings, everything going over and over in my head. I was also told I might be made redundant, which really went on to define my whole pregnancy. I’m prone to stress and anxiety anyway, particularly with work, but on top of pregnancy and COVID, I was just overwhelmed. I was having to apply and interview for roles whilst heavily pregnant, trying to work out how we would manage if I didn’t find anything, and battling with an identity crisis – would I be a full-time mum, would I ever get back into work? I was completely exhausted physically and mentally and had nothing left in me for a toddler. I have never felt as vulnerable as I did then. I felt angry that women who are pregnant have to face these sort of things (I know several people who have had similar work issues whilst pregnant).
I also found lots of feelings from my childhood and relationships with my parents were being dredged up. I started feeling like I was rubbish at being a mother and like I couldn’t manage, and I was being the sort of mother I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t able to firefight these feelings whilst pregnant.
In addition, I struggled to get midwife or GP appointments. If you’re a second-time mum, they seem to think you’re fine, but I felt I had far more to deal with this time than the first time around and needed more support. I also had to do in-person jury service during the full lockdown – pregnancy apparently didn’t exempt me despite the COVID risk and they wanted me to get the bus into court as they wouldn’t pay for parking. The case was one involving a child, which certainly didn’t help with my emotions. I don’t know if it was a hormonal thing from pregnancy or due to a combination of all the worries I had, but I felt like I was having some sort of mental health crisis. I hadn’t experienced anything like this before. I couldn’t manage my emotions at all, I was feeling paranoid with zero self-esteem, and I just didn’t want to carry on. I felt so hopeless. I also felt incredibly angry that the baby and I were having to go through this, and I worried that my stress was impacting the baby. My first baby was born unexpectedly at 36 weeks, so I was very anxious about going into early labour.
I knew I had to do something and take charge for the baby’s sake. In the end, I contacted the ISIS midwife team crying down the phone, saying “I just need to see someone.” I also called OXPIP after a friend recommended it. After this point, things got much better. I joined a weekly Zoom group with others who were feeling anxious or had other concerns. There was such a mix of women, all with slightly different battles, but a universal struggle to just give birth during a pandemic! The first time I spoke there, I felt such a release of emotion, relief to just vocalise these feelings and for someone else to be there. If I had been a first-time mum or not had access to these resources, I don’t think I could have managed.
I would probably have experienced some stress regardless of COVID, but COVID definitely amplified everything, and I felt so fatigued from everything it brought that I had little left to give. I felt a sadness for the sort of lost years with my toddler, when I was just stressed and grumpy, and half his life has been this weird time. I also feel angry that my pregnancy was so stressful. However, I also feel very grateful that we are all healthy and that things are good now. I have friends who haven’t been able to access IVF during this time or who gave birth and were separated from their partner or baby.
The birth was fine and my partner was able to stay with me. I have a lovely group of mums I see regularly and I have really enjoyed being with him and going to baby groups, and meeting new people. I definitely do a lot less than I did the first time around. We haven’t had the visitors and gifts and fanfare that we had with the first, but it has been nice to have some time to ourselves, finding our way as a family of four. I feel guilt sometimes that Oscar hasn’t had as much access to people and places as Ralph did, but he has benefitted in other ways as he has had more one-on-one time, I haven’t forced car journeys on him, which he hates, and I had more time to focus on feeding at the beginning so I didn’t need to pump or top up this time. My partner has been able to help me much more as he has been working from home; I don’t think I could have managed it otherwise. Oscar is much closer to my partner than Ralph was as a baby because he’s around during the days. He prefers to nap on my partner’s shoulder and he has been doing the weaning with solids. It’s a glimpse into what a more gender-equal society might feel like, or if partners had more parental leave.
We are lucky in Oxford that there’s a real sense of community and some amazing resources and support networks, but it’s also made me realise the importance of face-to-face contact and that second-time mums may have different needs and vulnerabilities – we can’t just get on with it because we’ve done it before! But when I think of my own experience and my relative privilege, I just worry that many women out there have slipped through the gaps during this time.
If you’ve been feeling lonely or isolated, please don’t suffer in silence. Come and visit us in person, listen to our podcast, or find us online at The Virtual Motherkind Café on Facebook.