Today, our coordinator Jules shares her experience of feeling stuck in the middle and how The Motherkind Café helped her out of it.
Do you ever feel like you’re kind of stuck in some middle ground? Every aspect of life exists on a spectrum. Rich to poor, happy to sad, healthy to on your deathbed, self-sufficient to extreme need. The way our society functions is quite focused on either end of the spectrum, but it gets a bit fuzzy in the middle.
I have been involved with the police over the last two years as a victim. The case was quite complex, but I did not meet the criteria for it to be handled by a specialist unit. It was left with a junior officer, who did not have any relevant experience. When I asked why, I was told there was nowhere else for it to go. No middle ground. I was trapped in a grey area.
That started me thinking about other times in my adult life that have felt similar.
At university, my parents earned too much for me to be entitled to the maximum student loan amount. But they were also emotionally abusive and refused to make any financial contribution to my higher education (despite pushing me hard to complete a degree). So money worries were a constant distraction from studying. When I researched how I might remedy this situation, the only option was legal emancipation from my parents. Which seemed pretty extreme at the time. I was stuck in the grey area of a system that couldn’t cater for my situation.
When I had bunion surgery on the NHS, I was given a special shoe and signed off work for two months with instructions to avoid weight-bearing while it healed. What I didn’t qualify for? Crutches. I had to source them at a local mobility shop.
When I needed legal representation, I looked into applying for legal aid. I did not qualify because I had savings above the defined threshold. “How much were your legal bills?” I hear you cry. Over three times as much as the threshold, and my savings were wiped out.
After my son was born by emergency c-section, I had a 3-litre postpartum haemorrhage a few hours later. I was rushed back into theatre for life-saving treatment. Less than 48 hours later, I was moved to the regular maternity ward where I was expected to be fully responsible for my newborn alone. I could barely get myself out of bed, I was in so much pain. But I wasn’t at the deathbed end of the spectrum anymore, and there was no middle ground option to give me the extra support I so desperately needed.
Okay Jules. So you’re delivering a moving monologue on the state of underfunded public services. But what does this have to do with Motherkind?
Not surprisingly, my mental health tanked after my son’s birth. I was assessed by the perinatal mental service, but I did not meet the criteria for their support. And the best my GP could do was increase my anti-depressant dose. Sounding familiar? I was stuck in the grey area. AGAIN.
I had a great group of mum friends and we were all very active going to baby classes, coffee, and lunches. But I didn’t feel I could keep talking about how traumatised I was. I didn’t want to be Debbie Downer and people get tired of hanging out with me. Then I saw an advert for Motherkind. A place I could go to rant about all the terrible stuff. Where I might meet other mums feeling the same as me. Where I didn’t have to worry about someone getting tired of listening to me because that’s literally what the peer supporters are there to do. And they let me drink a hot cup of coffee!
My first session did not disappoint. I finally found a place where I felt I belonged. And, for the first time, I didn’t just feel stuck in the grey area.